Preg Dreams: Hit-woman, Student and in desperate need of FOOD!

Entry Scene: I’m a student, in a class that resembles a tertiary level lecture and I’m marching out with the rest of the students towards the door, passing the lecturer as he reminds us we’ve got a mid-term coming up on monday.

As she mentions it, I already know I won’t make it because I have a top-secret mission to attend to, and I ask myself should I tell her now? Should I just show up and fail? Should I just write off the whole class and try again next semester? I never answer that question, and just leave.

Also, the lecturer was the preachers wife from the show Amen, and ironically, Sherman Helmsley was also in the classroom during the lecture. I guess, as a guest? I don’t know. I just remember seeing him.

amen
ANNA MARIA HORSFORD IS TOP CENTER and everyone knows Sherman Helmsley

So I leave the classroom and next thing it’s night and I’m in a car driving down what appears to be a West Rand Johannesburg road with a Russian or Serbian, someone of an eastern European descent. I’m assuming we are now on our mission. And the mission: we are HITMEN! This is so racist, considering he’s of Eastern European descent, I’m just assuming we were out on a mission of violence. *God Forgive Me*

So we approach a house and stop at the curb. We see a policeman and I’m immediately shook because clearly, I’m an amateur hitwoman, but my Czech friend is cool and calm and reminds me that this is the copy we have ‘on the inside’. Which makes sense since he doesn’t come over to question us despite us looking so suspicious. We wait a few minutes then my not-so-smart Serbian partner says wait, this is the wrong house. It’s the next block over.

I roll my eyes as he takes off and can’t help but think-can we just get this over and done with already, I’m starving!

We approach a really nice hotel in Sandton. How he confused a randy street in Roodeport with Sandton, is beyond me. But he did. We are now driving to the correct destination and we pass a Nazi or Russian war memorial with a whole bunch of soldiers either paying homage or just admiring it or something. All I know is there is some ode to Hitler and I gesture to my accomplice on some ‘let me guess, you’re dying to stop and see the memorial, aren’t you?’ AGAIN WITH THE RACISM! *God Forgive Me* I think I was just in my feelings because I was hungry and he was not going to let me get food, yet I saw him fixing to pull over to stop and see the Hitler memorial. Luckily he didn’t so we just drove on. I also saw some black West African looking soldiers-like Beasts of No Nation looking dudes-at the memorial and I was all side-eyeing them on some, what is that about? But anyway, we drove right past…

So we get to the lobby and wait. For what, God knows. Then finally I say I’m going to check the hotel restaurant. I think it was to get something to eat, but I couldn’t tell my accomplice that because then I would look like I wasn’t serious about my job, but I think in my mind I knew exactly where the party was at.

Also, at this point, my Serbian partner in crime is no longer a Serbian gentleman. He is now my cousin, Mpendu. Don’t ask.

BandMpendu

Big guy is Mpendu, baby is my oh so scrumptious nephew when he was a wee marshmallow

 

I take the elevator and leave my fellow hitman slash mzala behind. When I get to the restaurant I see some people I know. I have no clue who they were but I acted as if I knew them because I went to their table and we were just chatting like old buddies. Next thing they’re asking me about fun stuff to do in Gabs and I tell them that there’s NOTHING and how much I love me some 90’s music but there are no clubs or places that play that music and the only dance like places to go are filled with annoying UB type students who listen to Lil Uzi Vert and I don’t even know who that is or a single song he sings! I’m just going off.

All the while I see my hitman slash Mzala come in and be directed to a table by a waiter and my cousin has a bottle of black label in his hands and I’m like ‘OKKK! This mission is about to get fun!’ Meanwhile, I don’t drink whiskey so I don’t know what I was on. I think it was the hunger.  He gestures to me that he’s going ‘that side’ so I head nod the acknowledgement and finish up the conversation with me ‘new friends?’, ‘old friends?’ then go meet him…

…only to find him having ORDERED A PIZZA, sitting with some Asian and Caucasian friends of his from varsity just lolly-gagging and having a grand old-time! Disclaimer: I put in their nationalities just so you can get a full picture. I’m not that racist. So I slide into the booth to tell him off -for those of you that know our relationship know we love like brother and sister, but fight like brother and sister, too, but then I wake up.

I probably failed my midterm and had to drop the class and we never did kill anyone, I have no idea what happened to Vladimir and I don’t think I even got to eat.

You’re welcome.

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Preg Dreams: Oh NO! Sherman the pool guy is coming!

Welcome to the next installment of my wild and crazy Pregnancy Dreams.

I had this dream the same night I had the first dream I documented last week, but I thought it deserved its own focus.

Again, with some back story. Growing up we had a pool man named Mackson Sherman who was originally from Liberia but living in New York. We grew up in Westchester, specifically New Rochelle and Scarsdale. We lived in New Rochelle from the time I was born until I was in the 5th grade, aged 10, so 1990. Then we moved to Scarsdale. Scarsdale of ‘where Beyonce and Jay-Z live’ fame. For reference, Westchester is the county-it’s about 35-40 minutes from Manhattan. New Rochelle and Scarsdale are ‘villages’ within Westchester county, and they are a matter of minutes apart.

So Sherman as we affectionately called him, was our pool guy from our house in New Rochelle. I suspect he wasn’t really good at it because I don’t remember him for many years in New Rochelle as our pool guy, but he stayed in our lives for years because my mom who is the Mother Theresa of alley cats, brought everyone into our  lives and they never left.

Now Sherman had a son who also became like family and we’d have play dates with him growing up. His name was McCurry. Yes, real name.

Now to the dream. So we were at our home in Scarsdale, hanging out with McCurry like we normally would. In the dream, I couldn’t tell whether I was an adult or a child, but i seemed to be somewhere in between. McCurry is telling us that Sherman, his dad, the former pool guy turned family friend, has started drinking again. Disclaimer: Sherman was not a heavy drinker. Or maybe he was, lol.

Then all of a sudden it gets dark and gloomy as if an impending storm is coming and it literally turns into a horror movie.

Next thing we’re ducking behind furniture as Sherman’s foot steps get closer and closer like he’s some big bad monster and we’re all separated on the ground taking cover. My point of view sees his black work boots approaching and my heart is racing.

He’s getting closer and closer…

Then I wake up.

The end.

I’m sorry you’ll never get back the 6 minutes you just wasted reading this.

Preg Dreams-HEY THAT’S MY BAG!

Welcome to the first installment of Preg Dreams.

This is where I document my strange and weird vivid dreams that are apparently part and parcel of pregnancy. I’ve heard about them from reading online, I just didn’t think they’d hit me so fast into the pregnancy nor that they would be this weird.

Some of it may be hard to keep up with because I’m referencing people from my life, you obviously wouldn’t know, but I promise to put as much detail as possible for you to get perspective.

What I can guarantee you is that NONE of them make any sense.

Enjoy.

So growing up, my parent’s were diplomats. I grew up in New York and my dad was the Ambassador to the United Nations, Cuba, Jamaica, Guyana and Indonesia, based at the UN. I was born there and raised there and moved from there after my first undergraduate degree. As part and parcel of his role, the Botswana embassy provided us with drivers this is all back story.

In this dream I was getting picked up from the airport by one of the embassy drivers-Mr. Mbutu wa Mbutu. A lovely and homely fellow who originated from the DRC, former Zaire. He had been with the mission for years, hired by my mom, who also worked at the mission during our stay in New York. For those who know my parents, you know that even hired staff ended up becoming family over the years. They came to our house for holidays, parties, all official or unofficial events and Mr. Mbutu was no exception. He even sent my dad a sweet 80th birthday video message a few months back when we had a big party to celebrate his birthday.

So again, I’m getting picked up from the airport coming from I don’t know where, nor do I even know which airport it was because it was a mix of a JFK and an African airport. So I meet Mr. Mbutu at baggage claim and I greet him nicely and he takes my bags. One is a rolly suitcase and the other is a big guitar or cello sized case.

So I’m walking behind him as we’re making our way out of the baggage claim carousel area and proceeding out of the airport as a whole, when I see Mbutu heading towards a door that is clearly marked NO EXIT with red/white tape across it. I’m following a few paces behind, hoping he’s gonna cut a right or something, but Mbutu is just heading towards the door.

All the while, I’m thinking this is not going to end well-typical Mbutu. See, Mbutu, bless his soul, was such a humble and calm fellow, however, he had a streak in him. Now I don’t know if it was the genocides or maybe some pent-up angst about being damn near retirement and being a driver, sometimes for kids, that sometimes would spark a rage and a temper in him. This rage and temper rarely showed, and although we’d hear stories of it, he’d never display that to us.

I was beginning to think this was my first time seeing it first hand.

And I was right.

Mbutu barrels, y’all. BARRELS through the illegal doors! This is post 9-11 TSA terrorism days and all I’m thinking is we are going to jail.

I try to get him to stop as I’m standing there frozen thinking: Do I follow him and act like I didn’t know it was an illegal exit? Even though I had already shouted at him to stop. I mean, it was a short cut. Or do I act like I don’t even know him? BUT I NEED MY BAGS!

Here is a vital piece of information I left out: that cello/guitar looking case? It wasn’t mine! My younger sister was a violin slaying somebody growing up. Very dedicated to her craft. She could have really gone places had she not dropped it at age 11, lol. Let me tell you. So even though a violin is much smaller than a cello, in my dream, that case was hers! That I ‘sister borrowed’. Disclaimer: anyone who has siblings knows what ‘sister’ or ‘brother’ borrowing is, right? It’s when you borrow from your sibling, but haven’t asked them to borrow the item. AKA you stole it. So now I’m freaking out because the case I ‘sister borrowed’ is gone and if Mbutu is caught could potentially be confiscated and worse of it all, I FILLED THE CASE WITH SNACKS! And I was so hungry.

I believe the common theme of my Pregnancy dreams are not so much the wacky and quirky dreams themselves, but the fact that they all revolve around me eating and/or being hungry all the damn time.

So back to the dream…

I decide to let Mbutu run free…all the while praying he doesn’t get caught because I need my bags and the case and most importantly the snacks. Then I think, look, he doesn’t want to get fired over this…if anything he’s going to book it to the car so I should just meet him there…

And that was that. I don’t know if he got detained and all my stuff got confiscated or we met at the car and I yelled at him for being so reckless. BUt I can probably tell you I never mentioned to Thembi about the case and probably just bought her a whole new one and came up with some genius story as to what happened with the original one that she may or may not have bought.

You’re welcome.

Dude, You’re Gonna Be A Papa!

Some backstory: So T (the hubs) and I had a bit of a kink in our journey earlier this year that makes this announcement all the more a very welcomed surprise. So although we were actively trying and on the same page, you can see the complete disconnect and shock (as much as a mannequin can show shock). 

Sharing the news of a new life in the way is big news by any stretch of the word. And how you do it should be special to you and your partner. Whether you’re both sitting on the bathroom floor waiting for that pee stick to turn pink or have the doctor on speakerphone when he gives you the big news, it should be special to you both. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

I chose to surprise my husband because I like to find any opportunity to be creative and I wanted a really fun and special memory for us to look back on one day. We’re both pretty chilled and laid back people so I wanted to have a memorable, out of the ordinary way of telling him.

So so here it goes…

I like to fancy myself a creative. And I try to find creative and fun ways to communicate the simple and mundane things of every day life specifically when it comes to those I love. So when I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to find a creative and memorable way to tell T.

The week I found out I was pregnant, was the same week my sister was having a birthday party during the upcoming weekend. So I concocted a story about a trivia or riddle game I was making for the guests at the party as an activity to entertain people. He knows I come up with fun and creative stuff for most of our family events so I knew this story wouldn’t stir up any suspicion.

🔑 When trying to find a cover story for a surprise, remember to keep it realistic and within the realm of what’s normal for you and the ‘surprisee’.

I told him I needed him to be my Guinea pig to see if the trivia game would play out right, day of. Being the good sport he is, even after a super long work day where he was due to go back to the office after dinner to finish up some work, he still obliged. I got a box and I thought of a riddle and wrote it out on a piece of paper and taped it onto the side of a white box. I told him he had 30 seconds to figure out the riddle. Once the time was up, we’d lift the box and the ‘guest’ would get a prize 🙊

Riddle: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PUT 1 INTO 1

image

Mama To Be with the Box

Needless to say he failed the riddle.

So I told him to open the box to find the answer:

 

He still didn’t quite get it. And thought it was still part of the trivia game!

So I told him to open the next flap:

image

Test results!

I think this is when it started to sink in. Yet, he was still a bit unsure. So I made him read everything out loud from the beginning! And he finally asked:

‘Is this us?!’

I swear he’s the smarter one out of this couple!

Anyway, here’s the full video of the PAPA ANNOUNCEMENT

Song in video: Of All Kind-Maxwell

Never alone you surround me with your soul
Every where I go
You’re around me and you know
‘Cause I love you like you’re like my life
You’re a God in my mind
You are of all kind
I love you like there’s no end in sight
You’re like a God in my mind
You’re the highest high of all
I love you like there’s no higher site
You’re like a God in my mind
You’re the highest high
Of all kind
Of all kind
Of all kind
Of all kind
You’re the highest high of all kind
Of all kind, all kind
You’re the highest high of all kind
I love you like there’s no end in sight
You’re like a God in my mind
You’re the highest high of all kind
All kind
Of all kind
You’re the highest high of all kind
And we are officially in the Second Trimester!

50 good questions to ask yourself and others to get to know them

Just 50 questions! lol

I love talking about myself as much as the next person but I always find the ‘All About Me’ section to be so contrived because you’re trying to limit it down so you don’t sound narcissistic but the answers are so textbook boring.

So here’s my alternative. Feel free to steal the questions, I did.

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?

My parents call me: Kooks, Kgowa, Granny (all after my great-grandmother on my dad’s side, whom I’m named after) My husband calls me Nix. My sisters call me Middle.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?

Kind Leopold’s Ghost and Lies Couples Believe

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?

Not a doodler, but I do like adult coloring books. I hope to frame some of my favorites and put them in a future kids bedroom.

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?

Force myself to go back to sleep. I am not a morning person and do not do well on limited hours of sleep, so if I wake up I try to go back to sleep asap.

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?

I think I’d be alright since i prefer to be alone. I’d read, write, daydream and sleep. But I would probably last 14 days before i’d become homicidal

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?

I save. I learned that from my mother. I love nostalgic memories.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?

My mother. She has old VHS tapes of tv recorded shows from the 80’s, clothes, magazines and newspapers that she SWEARS she’s going to ‘sort’. She’s been saying that since the 80’s.

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?

If i even go to a party, I slip in and look for someone I know. I hate crowds.

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?

Smell. I can smell from a mile away. I’m a basset hound which sometimes comes in handy and sometimes doesn’t! I’d give up smell.

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?

Often enough. Mostly to make sure there isn’t food in my teeth or on my face.

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?

Bloody Mary. If you say her name 3x in a mirror in a dark bathroom she’ll appear and you’d be haunted. Someone at school told me about and till that day at about 11/12 I couldn’t sleep alone in the dark, so I either slept with my younger sister with whom we had adjoining rooms connect through a bathroom, or I slept with that sliding door to that bathroom open and the light in the bathroom on. I only got over it once I went to college at 17.

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?

Haute Cabriere Pinot Noir/Chardonnay Wine! And Camembert cheese with crackers!

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?

My mom. She is the most selfless person I know and is always thinking of the little things.

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?

rarely, none and none. I get all my current events from Instagram. So WORLDSTAR! lol

15. Which animals scare you most? Why?

Lions/Cheetahs/Tigers. I mean if faced with one I’d just surrender my whole dignity to them because who’s going to outrun that?

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

insert boxing ring bell here. ROUND 1!

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?

Someone close to me said ‘you’re a good kid’. I’m far from a kid anymore, but I got the sentiment. I’ve done right by my parents, never gave them grief, grew up and lived my life the right way and made them proud and happy. And for that, I’m exceptionally proud.

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?

My temper. Going from 0-100 and most importantly keeping it inside. I think I’ve calmed down on the explosions, but I think my nature is to get worked up. and it’s ok. It just means I’m passionate, lol.

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain.

Totally. I savour it. It moves me. I love routine and structure and do not do well with change or uncertainty. I often ask myself what will my life be like once I have kids. I’ll probably be addicted to Xanax to get through the day.

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.

In certain areas of my life, yes. When it comes to accommodation, outside my home, I’m very picky. I do not do low-budget accommodation. I’d rather pay more for cleanliness, convenience and amenities. I’m high maintenance when it comes to sneakers. I’m a fanatic who is very particular. I’m also very particular about my home and how it’s set up and do not like things out-of-place.

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits?

About 2 weeks ago when I had a 2 hour workout session and legit almost died. It could explain me not being back at the gym since then.

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

Few close friends. I don’t like people getting too close. I like to keep a bit of a boundary around my personal life. It allows me to trust more and trust better, and to open myself up.

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

build my own empire. I have to ensure I eat, first.

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?

Not one occurrence per say, but I always have just felt super blessed. Like I’ve always been kept from the brink of the worst, whether it be almost being in a bad accident, escaping a very bad situation, or passing some class or course when it didn’t seem like that would happen. And also just looking at my life and thinking I’ve lived such a charmed and ideal life. It hasn’t been a perfect life, but it’s been as ideal as I could ever ask for.

25. What do you think about more than anything else?

Our future.

26. What’s something that amazes you?

The way God loves me. It may sound corny, but I am always so amazed and in awe and I wonder what I’ve done to deserve it, because I definitely don’t think i’ve done anywhere near enough.

27. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?

Straight, with sensitivity and empathy. I hate fake-ness and beating around the bush.

28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest?

Mathathane-Home village

29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why?

Clean my house, wash dishes, cook and do my laundry. Pure torture.

30. Do you have a catchphrase?

That’s it. or Look at God.

31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them?

I think everyone is entitled to having their beliefs and expressing them, provided its done with respect and respect for other people’s views. Also with an ear for  being open to learn and appreciate other peoples views.

32. How and where do you prefer to study?

at home, in bed, alone.

33. What position do you sleep in?

on my left side or on my stomach. If I’m struggling to fall asleep, laying on my stomach with my arms tucked under usually does the trick.

34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why?

NEW YORK CITY. It’s literally the greatest place on earth. Can’t explain it. So many memories.

35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new?

A friendly smile, kind words and someone willing to genuinely get to know me.

36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you?

As the middle, I’ve kind of gotten away with a lot. Partially because my parents were so busy focused on the baby or the high expectations of the older sibling, but also because I stayed in my lane and didn’t rock the boat. It did leave me seeking attention in my adolescent years by acting out in school a bit. But I realized very quickly that, that was not the way to do and that it wasn’t going to get me anywhere in the long run. It also caused me to have a bit of a ‘i am what i am whether you like it or not’ attitude or approach to life too. I was given that leeway to be me and to this day its how I live my life. I hope people like me and enjoy me but if they don’t its ok. Not everyone is every one else’s cup of tea. And that’s ok. Bottom line is ‘do I like me? Does God love me?’ And the answer to that is yes.

37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?

I’m moody. I’m very provoked by my mood. And although I may not take it out on everyone, it does manifest itself that way sometimes. Also sometimes I like to keep to myself too much sometimes. I can be exceptionally anti-social.

38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be?

None. Everything happens for a reason. And any relationships that have ended, ended because God saw it fit. And I can honestly say my life has not skipped a beat. I have all the pertinent, beneficial and significant relationships I need in my life.

39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?

Not change, but I wish I used my middle name, Nhlanhla, as my first or primary name. But i genuinely love all my names and I’m honored to have them.

40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?

Growing up, I did. What you don’t know won’t hurt, right? As I’ve gotten older, i’ve realized that complete opposite. Knowledge is power. We cannot live in the dark acting as if things don’t exist. Because they will still exist and rear their ugly heads and sometimes if you’ve ignored it for too long, it’s too late. Especially when it comes to health. Knowledge helps you make the right decisions fast. My parents taught me that lesson.

41. What do you consider unforgivable?

Deliberate murder.

42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not?

Yes. I am harder on myself than anyone. And not to sound like im perfect, but I don’t consider anything I’ve done a failure. I’ve made some bad decisions, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. And you have to learn from them. There is no point in dwelling and beating yourself up because you cannot step into a time machine and change them. I’d rather not waste the time and energy on those feelings.

43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

Exceptionally difficult. Especially depending on the degree of hurt. Sometimes those two words of ‘i’m sorry’ or ‘I apologize’, if said sincerely, can erase a lifetime of hurt and pain. What hurts or irritates me more is someone committing a hurt than just over time acting as if it never happened and trying to go on business as usual. That is a giant insult to me. I see you…

44.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?

That God sacrificed His only Son for my sins, so that I may live. And rose again to save the world. I believe that with every inch of my mind,body and soul.

45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain.

I don’t. I trust very few and those I trust, i trust with my life. At the end of the day my immediate family i trust with my life. and very few others. They’ve always just proven to me that I can trust on them, without fail or question. Acquaintances come and go for a reason. I also think most people are out to gain something or benefit in some way. To take away, and not to give.

46. In what area of your life are you immature?

Being led by my emotions. If im not happy, it will most likely manifest itself. I need to learn to not wear my heart on my sleeve.

47. What was the best news you ever received?

Every time my dad goes for a post cancer check-up or either of my parents go for medical check-ups and they get the all clear.

48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?

Not hard at all. I feel it’s about delivery, but the truth is always important. And it would hurt me more to lie to someone I care about

49. When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long-term result? Conversely, are you close with anyone now that you really disliked at first?

A colleague of mine who has been a dear friend to me ever since. It’s been 6 years now. Also, there’s a very close friend of mine that I met about 7 years ago through our significant others and we just hit it off, instantly, which is very rare for me. She is still a close friend and was one of my bridesmaids. Not close with anyone I disliked.

50. When do you find yourself singing?

In the car or when I’m home alone, cooking or cleaning or working on a DIY project. Those are my favorite times to sing.